Krista Abbott-King
I had the same pressure as most girls in High School to be thin. I never took anything to the extreme though. I remember wanting to lose weight but never skipped meals to do so. I sometimes think back to this time in my life and wonder how my body image didn’t consume my thoughts 95% of the time. I am envious of that time in my life for how “simple” things seemed back then, for not letting the size of my pants dictate my happiness or my self-worth.
It all started after my freshman year of college. I was getting ready to go to Russia with one of my best friends to teach English for 6 months. I had everything ready to go, I had quit my job, had my plane ticket, and a place to stay. The last thing I needed to get was a physical and that is when the doctor told me I had Type 1 Diabetes. I started out hating this disease already because it had taken away a huge opportunity in my life. Over the next 11 years I would hate Diabetes more and more. Some days I would feel really crappy for reasons that seemed out of my control. I think subconsciously I started to think that if I ignore this disease it will just go away and I will not be affected by it. I continued this way of thinking off and on for the next 11 years of my life. Diabetes changed pretty much every aspect of my life, and instead of taking control of it, I let it take control over my entire life.
The next ten years were filled with anxiety because every moment was filled with the following thoughts that consumed my mind. What can I eat today that won’t make me feel sick? What can I eat today that I will need to take the smallest amount of insulin possible? What will people think if I am eating sugar, what will they think if I refuse to eat it? I felt like everyone was watching my every move, and always had an opinion and they were definitely not afraid to tell me. These years were filled with many ER visits and Hospital stays. Somedays were filled with a lot of hope I could change, and some with complete despair that it could never happen! I would decide I could beat this Eating Disorder, eat what I needed to and took all the insulin I needed. But if I had one bad meal or one bad day I would feel so defeated and believed I could never live a healthy life, and quickly fall back into my old habits. I would cancel Doctor Appointments because I felt so much shame over what I was doing. I had a doctor refuse to keep seeing me because I was not taking good enough care of my diabetes (which is the worst possible thing she could have done). Romantic relationships were very challenging, if it ever got serious I immediately broke it off. I never wanted to submit someone to the illnesses I would have the rest of my life (both in and out of my control). I wanted more than anything in life to get married and have children. Numerous doctors had warned me that I would probably never be able to have children with my diabetes and other illnesses I had been diagnosed with. The hardest thing was realizing that I was the only standing in the way of my dreams. Just even the smallest chance that I would be able to carry a baby and have a healthy baby. My dreams and a happy future seemed so far out of reach and I had no idea how to get there.
I met an amazing guy that was so patient and understanding of all my health conditions. We feel in love and were married in October 2015. The next 5 months I was the most stressed I have ever been in my life with personal and family issues. A week after my 31st birthday I became extremely ill and was put into the ICU for 6 days. I told the doctors everything that had been going on, and the doctor told me if I didn’t change something I would not be around much longer. I was released the next day and we called Center for Change (an eating disorder center) and made an appointment. My husband and I went to the meeting and I proceeded to tell them everything from the last 11 years. She told us before meeting with her superiors that I would be In-Patient and nothing less.
The treatment center was extremely challenging, mentally, emotionally and physically. We were plated 3 very full meals a day, plus 3 snacks in between all of our classes and therapy. The meals were the most difficult time for me! Everything we were plated we had to eat. At every meal I would sit at the table and look down at my stomach and picture myself pregnant. I would think if I have any chance at all to get pregnant then I needed to be healthy and have the nutrients in my body that I needed. I did this at every meal and at times I would get discouraged and think maybe I would never be able to get pregnant, I would think about adopting a child and how strong and healthy I would need to be to be a mother. To all the doctors amazement I got pregnant just 4 weeks into the program, though I did not find out until I was 8 weeks along. Though my changing body during pregnancy was hard, I was just so excited to be pregnant. I was so careful to take care of myself and be extremely healthy while being pregnant. I had a couple of really scary moments during pregnancy, like having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance because my blood sugar dropped to 19 and I passed out. None of these scares were because I wasn’t taking care of myself, I was doing everything in my power to get my baby here as healthy as could be.
9 weeks before my baby was due I became very ill and could not stop throwing up. We went to the hospital and the doctor told us that I would not be leaving the hospital still pregnant. I would be on bed rest as long as possible and then deliver. That entire week I could not keep anything down and my blood pressure kept rising. On Friday November 18th I was rushed into a C-section delivery and at 31 and ½ weeks our sweet miracle Piper was born. She was in the NICU for 8 ½ weeks. The coping skills I learned in the center helped me get through these tough 8 ½ weeks without turning back to my old habits. The biggest thing getting me through every day was knowing how healthy I had to be for Piper, especially while breast-feeding. Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely doing this so I could be healthy and get through these stressful days without getting sick, but now I had someone else depending on me for their well-being. Piper is now home with us and is almost 6 months old. Although she was premature, she is thriving and I believe a big part of that is because I took care of myself.
For the first time in 11 years I was grateful to my body for how well it took care of me. I wanted to take care of my body and keep it healthy. Recovery is a long hard road that I am still on and continue to fight every day, but it is so worth it!
I have been so ashamed of my story for so long and was terrified that if anyone found out what I was doing or how I was restricting food that they would be so judgmental and disgusted with me. I have learned in the past year that there is so much power in speaking up and sharing my story. If there is one thing I hope you can take away from this story is that I felt so hopeless and ashamed at times that I could never overcome this, I honestly didn’t see a way for it to ever happen. I failed so many times. I was told by doctors that they didn’t want to see me anymore because I wasn’t taking care of myself and thought if they don’t think I can do it, then why should I? Recovery is hard, really hard, but life is so much better now. Don’t give up, there is always someone to talk to that understands what you are going through! I remember the first time Erin came to center for change and told us about this Diabulimia group and how she was in recovery. I remember thinking there is hope! People do pull through this and are doing okay! Please reach out for help if you are struggling! Although Diabetes is still a very difficult disease to live with every day, I am grateful for the journey it has led me on and where it has taken me! Recovery to me is getting up every day and saying I will try a little bit harder today, I can do this!
It all started after my freshman year of college. I was getting ready to go to Russia with one of my best friends to teach English for 6 months. I had everything ready to go, I had quit my job, had my plane ticket, and a place to stay. The last thing I needed to get was a physical and that is when the doctor told me I had Type 1 Diabetes. I started out hating this disease already because it had taken away a huge opportunity in my life. Over the next 11 years I would hate Diabetes more and more. Some days I would feel really crappy for reasons that seemed out of my control. I think subconsciously I started to think that if I ignore this disease it will just go away and I will not be affected by it. I continued this way of thinking off and on for the next 11 years of my life. Diabetes changed pretty much every aspect of my life, and instead of taking control of it, I let it take control over my entire life.
The next ten years were filled with anxiety because every moment was filled with the following thoughts that consumed my mind. What can I eat today that won’t make me feel sick? What can I eat today that I will need to take the smallest amount of insulin possible? What will people think if I am eating sugar, what will they think if I refuse to eat it? I felt like everyone was watching my every move, and always had an opinion and they were definitely not afraid to tell me. These years were filled with many ER visits and Hospital stays. Somedays were filled with a lot of hope I could change, and some with complete despair that it could never happen! I would decide I could beat this Eating Disorder, eat what I needed to and took all the insulin I needed. But if I had one bad meal or one bad day I would feel so defeated and believed I could never live a healthy life, and quickly fall back into my old habits. I would cancel Doctor Appointments because I felt so much shame over what I was doing. I had a doctor refuse to keep seeing me because I was not taking good enough care of my diabetes (which is the worst possible thing she could have done). Romantic relationships were very challenging, if it ever got serious I immediately broke it off. I never wanted to submit someone to the illnesses I would have the rest of my life (both in and out of my control). I wanted more than anything in life to get married and have children. Numerous doctors had warned me that I would probably never be able to have children with my diabetes and other illnesses I had been diagnosed with. The hardest thing was realizing that I was the only standing in the way of my dreams. Just even the smallest chance that I would be able to carry a baby and have a healthy baby. My dreams and a happy future seemed so far out of reach and I had no idea how to get there.
I met an amazing guy that was so patient and understanding of all my health conditions. We feel in love and were married in October 2015. The next 5 months I was the most stressed I have ever been in my life with personal and family issues. A week after my 31st birthday I became extremely ill and was put into the ICU for 6 days. I told the doctors everything that had been going on, and the doctor told me if I didn’t change something I would not be around much longer. I was released the next day and we called Center for Change (an eating disorder center) and made an appointment. My husband and I went to the meeting and I proceeded to tell them everything from the last 11 years. She told us before meeting with her superiors that I would be In-Patient and nothing less.
The treatment center was extremely challenging, mentally, emotionally and physically. We were plated 3 very full meals a day, plus 3 snacks in between all of our classes and therapy. The meals were the most difficult time for me! Everything we were plated we had to eat. At every meal I would sit at the table and look down at my stomach and picture myself pregnant. I would think if I have any chance at all to get pregnant then I needed to be healthy and have the nutrients in my body that I needed. I did this at every meal and at times I would get discouraged and think maybe I would never be able to get pregnant, I would think about adopting a child and how strong and healthy I would need to be to be a mother. To all the doctors amazement I got pregnant just 4 weeks into the program, though I did not find out until I was 8 weeks along. Though my changing body during pregnancy was hard, I was just so excited to be pregnant. I was so careful to take care of myself and be extremely healthy while being pregnant. I had a couple of really scary moments during pregnancy, like having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance because my blood sugar dropped to 19 and I passed out. None of these scares were because I wasn’t taking care of myself, I was doing everything in my power to get my baby here as healthy as could be.
9 weeks before my baby was due I became very ill and could not stop throwing up. We went to the hospital and the doctor told us that I would not be leaving the hospital still pregnant. I would be on bed rest as long as possible and then deliver. That entire week I could not keep anything down and my blood pressure kept rising. On Friday November 18th I was rushed into a C-section delivery and at 31 and ½ weeks our sweet miracle Piper was born. She was in the NICU for 8 ½ weeks. The coping skills I learned in the center helped me get through these tough 8 ½ weeks without turning back to my old habits. The biggest thing getting me through every day was knowing how healthy I had to be for Piper, especially while breast-feeding. Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely doing this so I could be healthy and get through these stressful days without getting sick, but now I had someone else depending on me for their well-being. Piper is now home with us and is almost 6 months old. Although she was premature, she is thriving and I believe a big part of that is because I took care of myself.
For the first time in 11 years I was grateful to my body for how well it took care of me. I wanted to take care of my body and keep it healthy. Recovery is a long hard road that I am still on and continue to fight every day, but it is so worth it!
I have been so ashamed of my story for so long and was terrified that if anyone found out what I was doing or how I was restricting food that they would be so judgmental and disgusted with me. I have learned in the past year that there is so much power in speaking up and sharing my story. If there is one thing I hope you can take away from this story is that I felt so hopeless and ashamed at times that I could never overcome this, I honestly didn’t see a way for it to ever happen. I failed so many times. I was told by doctors that they didn’t want to see me anymore because I wasn’t taking care of myself and thought if they don’t think I can do it, then why should I? Recovery is hard, really hard, but life is so much better now. Don’t give up, there is always someone to talk to that understands what you are going through! I remember the first time Erin came to center for change and told us about this Diabulimia group and how she was in recovery. I remember thinking there is hope! People do pull through this and are doing okay! Please reach out for help if you are struggling! Although Diabetes is still a very difficult disease to live with every day, I am grateful for the journey it has led me on and where it has taken me! Recovery to me is getting up every day and saying I will try a little bit harder today, I can do this!